Greta Thunberg was kidnapped last week after Israeli forces broke international law by not letting her and her comrades sail their pleasure craft into a war zone. In addition to carrying enough food to host a birthday party, they had bravely de-fleeted the word flotilla down to a solitary yacht. The trip had been picture-perfect till their abduction, with shots of her posing on the prow and a video of them motoring past a raft full of Sudanese refugees. Everything after that was the definition of unspeakable dehumanization.
They photographed her, without her consent, smiling at a bag of snacks. They offered her and her fellow captives Zionist baked goods. They held them for a full 24 hours during which they kept disturbing Greta’s sleep. Worst of all, they funded her flight home—in economy.
And so the people she went to save continue to be fed by the Gaza Humanitarian Foundation (over 3 million free violent meals and counting), depriving UNRWA of its dignity and Hamas of critical financial cream. But never fear. Lest ye think Greta’s mission was in vain, by looking like a toddler in her non-reclining seat on the plane she has granted us a portrait of courage for generations to come.
Hot on the heels of this, a band of geographically astute crusaders arrived in Cairo with the plan of entering Rafah via Eilat. Crying Welshmen, plump-lipped women, and other BBC lovers continue not to understand why the laws of Egypt should apply to them. At one point they were corralled behind plastic traffic barriers in really hot weather. Sometime after that they were made to sit on a bus and told they would be deported. The police should be grateful to these Westerners for instructing them on how to be good Muslims but they apparently have no humanities degrees. On the other hand, their barbaric ignorance has meant a wealth of photo ops for the March to Gaza and illustrates once more why we need to abolish passports.
Open borders was of course one goal of the No Kings protests. I think everyone should be allowed to go anywhere they want, and one big global government can mediate any disputes that might arise depending on whether we the people feel like it. I decided this week that my tribes include gang members, feminist sex workers, and the global Shia community. In addition to WASPs, I hate white Catholics, gender-critical fascists, and people who went through the legal immigration process. I’m less trying to argue a point than I am sharing our trauma and the implications of our signage. No nations, no kings. No rules, no law enforcement, except for district court judges. If people didn’t need permission to enter a country, there would be greater travel equity. Overstaying your visa is a fundamental human right.
I used to say no nukes but times have changed. We need to start being honest about how Big Satan and Little Satan have for decades discriminated against our friends in the Iranian Regime. Depriving them of the means to develop nuclear warheads strips them of the ability to fulfil their prophecy. I can’t believe I still have to explain this but, properly interpreted, “Death to America, Death to Israel” is actually a kind of conjugal invitation. “Systemic oppressor, lay down your sinful ways and be wed with me,” the erection-capable partner coos. “Though you parade about exposing your flesh, encouraging unregulated thoughts, and not transitioning every gay citizen into his true gender identity, submit yourself to me and be made pure.”
The phrase presupposes a model of feminine virtue we saw embodied in the news presenter who escaped a bomb just as she was telling the people Allah would make them victorious. The fact that you could see her full face illustrates how much the state values all genders. This isn’t to say eye slits aren’t the best practice, just that the mullahs support diversity. When things blow over and Tucker Carlson, Bernie Sanders, and Queers for Palestine’s dreams come true, I plan to go to Tehran and take a solidarity selfie with this lady. I feel like we would bond over the similarity between her media standards and those of the legacy institutions I trust in the Anglosphere. Just imagine how impactful the holiday pic could be: me and her getting tattoos of what former NPR CEO Katherine Maher said about truth being a distraction.
As someone who’s always been interested in the intersection of decolonial tourism and activist representation, #IStandWithTheAyatollah. The images of cars queuing for petrol in perfect weather prove once more how indiscriminate Israel is in its bombing, with over 140 somebodies killed so far. Like in Gaza, over 170,000 of them are women and children. Meanwhile white supremacists in Tel Aviv huddle in “safe rooms”. We will not stand by the optics of these passive-aggressive atrocities that imply Hamas might have sheltered their own civilians in their own tunnels.
We—Greta, the March for Gaza dream team, the No Kings collective, as well as all the celebrity chefs and well-informed comedians out there—are here to usher in a new look for truth and a new age of justice. When it comes to curating an image, no one knows how to culturally appropriate a keffiyeh quite like us. We create thought-moments by chucking our phones overboard prior to kidnapping, boosting engagement by making our fans wonder who we might have been texting with in Chuzzah. If necessary, we will sport a medieval hairstyle in order to elevate our plea to unrepentant Egyptians to please let us save Falasteen.
There should never be any war unless it serves to destroy Zionism, which is the cause of all war and all capitalism anyway. I get exhausted explaining this and other obvious facts, like how journalists who harbor hostages are still journalists, how trans women liberate us into autonomy, and how democracy becomes a monarchy when your candidate doesn’t win. But I will always consider it an honor to create memories with those who refuse to fight yet another war for the State of Israel. We have done it too many times to name a single one, and nothing is going to stop us from living our best life.
I have begun to think that perhaps poor Greta -- who has been identified as on the autism spectrum -- may not, in fact, be able to fully appreciate her actions or their consequences. I am also beginning to think that perhaps we should stop fetishizing those on the neuro-divergent spectrum.
"I’m less trying to argue a point than I am sharing our trauma and the implications of our signage. No nations, no kings. No rules, no law enforcement, except for district court judges. If people didn’t need permission to enter a country, there would be greater travel equity. Overstaying your visa is a fundamental human right."
I find quoting you back makes for a more entertaining comment than whatever I might write by way of kudos. That said: kudos, always!